The Life And Times Of Emily

123 start over!

Mon, 05 May 2008 22:41:22 GMT

can you really start over with someone? i've told people to forget what i just said. for example: me: i really like you. boy: what? me: forget i said anything. can that person truly forget that you ever said that? i highly doubt it.

this recently happend to me. i told him to forget that i ever said anything, and i that i wanted things to just be "normal", like before i told him that. he whole-heartedly agreed. but i can still sense some sort of tension between the both of us. who knows if i will ever be "normal".

with all my heart i want to throw my arms around him whenever i see him. maybe someday i'll be able to do exactly that. but for now, i'll wait, and quietly curse to myself for messing everything up. he informs me that i did nothing wrong, but every now and again i want to hit my head off a wall. he tells me that he loves my honesty. yeh, thats great buddy, but i want you to love me as a person. not a platonic love. a real love. like the one i wrote about in my last entry. being able to sit in a room with someone, listening to music. the slow songs. not even having to touch, talk, or even look at each other. just knowing that the other person is there. having the love between us being strong enough to the point where we don't have to communicate at all. i think that's beautiful. thats love.

i just figured something out about myself. i'll never be "normal". so having things being "normal" between is a definite long shot. but i can still i hope i guess.

maybe i'll be his moon woman someday.

its very late. very, very late, but i have alot on my mind.

Sun, 04 May 2008 07:23:12 GMT

i was talking to a friend of mine today. we were discussing his relationship with his girlfriend. he told me that he was yet to kiss his girlfriend, a month into their relationship. but then he taught me what love really is, by saying this, " i could go all summer hanging with her, and not even make out once and i wouldn't even care, just hanging out with her and being around her is wicked.".

it was one of the sweetest things i've ever heard, and it reminded me of what i want. i want to be able to sit in a room with someone listening to music. the slow songs. not even having to touch, talk, or even look at each other. just knowing that the other person is there. thats what i want. having someone to love me enough to the point where nothing has to be said, seeing that silence is beautiful in a way.

he then continued to say that they're taking it slow because she wants to. i really admire that. their relationship is based on something true, not just physical attraction. like most of my relationships have. i need to find someone who i can connect with on a whole other level. someone who i can listen to the slow songs with.

i'm not going to look for love anymore. i'm going to let it come to me. from what i've heard, its full of surprises.

for now i'll start looking for the right slow song just in case.

am i in love?

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 02:00:56 GMT

last night was the last night for bye, bye birdie. i had a mix of emotions going on that night. i was sad that musical was almost over, but happy that i was preforming. without my knowing a whole other set of emotions hit me like a freight train.

it all started after intermission when i started feeling really sick. i was throwing up and i was upset because i had no idea what was happening to me. i was getting sick of people asking me if i was "okay", so i went to the wings of the stage to wait for when i was supposed to go on. i was standing with a friend, when an ex-boyfriend/best friend comes to stand next to me. he notices that i had been crying and asks me if i was okay. like i said before, i was sick of people asking me if i was okay, but when he asked me, i didn't seem to mind. he then kisses me on the forehead, and tells me that i'll be alright. i stayed in that hug for awhile.

we went out last year. we really liked each other, and we acted before we should have. it lasted for about a week. this is going to sound pretty bad, but i got bored. i think i broke his heart when i broke up with him, because he liked me, more than i liked him. i felt terrible. i wanted to love him, but i couldn't. he's the nicest guy in the world, and he'll always have a place in my heart.

this brings me to this year. i'm another year older, i've learned a little more about the world. i have felt the heartache of rejection and lonliness, and its a bitch. maybe this is how he felt when i broke up with him. but last night, it brought that rush back. like the one i had when i first met him. we have become really good friends, since the break-up. i hung out with him for a bit at the cast party. i started to remember how sweet and funny he was. not to mention considerate.

on the way home, i started to wonder that maybe that place that i saved for him in my heart was a little bigger than i thought it was. i got home from the party about 2:30 AM. nobody else was awake, so i could think about my current dilemma. i stayed up until 4 thinking about how i feel. i'm not sure how he feels about me. when i finally got to sleep, i had dreams about what happened in the wings.

do i love him? or am i just acting on excitement? i know he brings out the best in me. he makes me smile, laugh, and i can cry on his shoulder.

hlyshit. i've never been so confused in my life.

star in the making? you decide.

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 15:34:36 GMT

I have rehersal today for the musical that I'm in. My school is doing a production of Bye Bye Birdie (Haven't heard of it? Ever heard the song, Put On a Happy Face? Grey skies are gonna clear up, put on a happy face..♫). I have a small role, my name is Deborah Sue. I'm a teen. So you can see, I really need to work on getting into character for this one..*sigh* .

Its weird getting back into rehersal and stuff and March Break. I start school again on Monday. Ohh Joy.. I haven't even started my homework that I have to have finished. That and, I haven't even touched my trumpet since the last band rehersal...I think I forget how to play. eeee.

I think I thrive on procrastination. I leave EVERYTHING until the last minute, so I'm scrambling to get it finished by the dead-line. I really hate that I do that, and I tell myself that I'm going to change.

But I never do.. *sigh*

ouch. painful memories hurt.

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 05:34:55 GMT

I managed to pull out a painful memory today, while talking to a friend. Have you ever wanted to forget something so badly, but it always seems to be on your mind? I hate that, I keep telling myself, "I don't like this memory, I don't want to think about it..WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT IT SO MUCH?!". It hurts, more so than getting my brows waxed. It drives me crazy. But then I thought, maybe its these memories that make us stronger, maybe that low point, made me who I am today.

Some memories are great; first kisses, going to the movies with friends, finding a twenty dollar bill in the bottom of your purse, and some memories are painful; rejection, break-ups, last kisses. I'm just trying to hang on, and get through the day.

I was going to write down what that painful memory was that started this whole thing. But now, I've decided against it. Maybe I should remind myself of that memory every once and awhile.

It will help me stay grounded...