Current Mood:  indescribable
Current Music: Better Together- Jack Johnson
last night was the last night for bye, bye birdie. i had a mix of emotions going on that night. i was sad that musical was almost over, but happy that i was preforming. without my knowing a whole other set of emotions hit me like a freight train.
it all started after intermission when i started feeling really sick. i was throwing up and i was upset because i had no idea what was happening to me. i was getting sick of people asking me if i was "okay", so i went to the wings of the stage to wait for when i was supposed to go on. i was standing with a friend, when an ex-boyfriend/best friend comes to stand next to me. he notices that i had been crying and asks me if i was okay. like i said before, i was sick of people asking me if i was okay, but when he asked me, i didn't seem to mind. he then kisses me on the forehead, and tells me that i'll be alright. i stayed in that hug for awhile.
we went out last year. we really liked each other, and we acted before we should have. it lasted for about a week. this is going to sound pretty bad, but i got bored. i think i broke his heart when i broke up with him, because he liked me, more than i liked him. i felt terrible. i wanted to love him, but i couldn't. he's the nicest guy in the world, and he'll always have a place in my heart.
this brings me to this year. i'm another year older, i've learned a little more about the world. i have felt the heartache of rejection and lonliness, and its a bitch. maybe this is how he felt when i broke up with him. but last night, it brought that rush back. like the one i had when i first met him. we have become really good friends, since the break-up. i hung out with him for a bit at the cast party. i started to remember how sweet and funny he was. not to mention considerate.
on the way home, i started to wonder that maybe that place that i saved for him in my heart was a little bigger than i thought it was. i got home from the party about 2:30 AM. nobody else was awake, so i could think about my current dilemma. i stayed up until 4 thinking about how i feel. i'm not sure how he feels about me. when i finally got to sleep, i had dreams about what happened in the wings.
do i love him? or am i just acting on excitement? i know he brings out the best in me. he makes me smile, laugh, and i can cry on his shoulder.
hlyshit. i've never been so confused in my life.
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imjustemm's journal
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